Diary of a Detective Disaster: 26 Oct 2024
A sting operation to discover who's beind the missing coffee. Sooner or later, I'll have to deal with the stole painting. Squirrels and pigeons, but no raccoons, which is sad.
📝 765 words. ⏳ Estimated reading time: 3 minutes.Dispatches from a Detective Who’s More Interested in Becoming a Crime Novelist Than Solving Crimes.
The detective is fictional but “strongly inspired” by a real police investigator. No further details about the real investigator will be disclosed. Insulting a public official is a felony in many jurisdictions.
26 Oct 2024
9:00 AM
I’ve reached a new level of detective mastery: I can now simultaneously trip over my own feet and spill coffee on my shirt while trying to solve a case. It’s a skill, really. I’m like a one-man circus of incompetence. It’s still something.
Today’s case: a mysterious shortage of coffee in the break room.
I’ve been tasked with getting to the bottom of this heinous crime.
I mean, it’s not that I’ve been tasked with investigating on it. But, let’s be honest, who steals coffee? Monsters, that’s who.
No crime can remain unsolved. Certainly not when the crime happens right before my eyes. It seems to me that this is somehow connected to the badge I often leave lying around.
10:30 AM
I’ve set up a sting operation to catch the coffee thief, complete with a fake coffee mug, a ring of flour, and an effective disguise - a fedora and sunglasses.
As I’m hiding behind a plant, I'm thinking to myself, “This is it. This is the moment I’ve been training for. I’m a master of stealth, a ninja of detection. I can totally see the coffee thief from here... wait, is that a dust bunny on the floor? I wonder if I should vacuum it. No, focus, detective. Focus.”
I’m a master self-motivator. Maybe because I’m the only one who motivates myself.
10:50 AM
I’m pretty sure I just saw Jenkins from missing persons eyeing the fake coffee mug, and I’m mentally preparing myself for the thrilling conclusion of this sting operation.
11:25 AM
I’ve named a squirrel I saw outside the window Horatio.
He's a nice guy, and I’m convinced he’s not involved in the coffee heist. I mean, he’s too busy stealing nuts from the bird feeder.
I’ve started to imagine Horatio as a sort of partner in crime-solving, and I’ve even decided which tiny notebook and pencil I can give to him.
11:45 AM
The coffee thief has struck!
Well, not really. It was just Jenkins from missing persons, who mistook the fake coffee mug for a real one and ended up with a face full of flour.
I had to stifle a laugh while “questioning” him, but I think I might have accidentally intimidated him into confessing to a string of unrelated crimes. Even the best ones can make mistakes.
12:30 PM
Lieutenant just asked me for an update on the stolen painting case. I launched into a detailed explanation of my investigation, complete with hand gestures and a dramatic flourish.
Lieutenant listened intently, nodding along and making supportive noises, but I’m pretty sure he was just humoring me. I mean, I’m not even sure I'm humoring myself at this point.
As I was leaving his office, I heard him mutter under his breath, “I have no idea what he’s talking about, but I’m pretty sure it’s not good.”
I’m choosing to interpret that as a vote of confidence. Self-motivation matters.
2:00 PM
I’ve spent the last hour or so thinking about my future as a crime novelist.
I’ve come up with a title for my first book: “The Case of the Missing Coffee: A Tale of Incompetence and Pastry.” I’m convinced it’s going to be a bestseller, mostly because I’ve already written the entire book in my head and it’s a masterpiece. No doubts.
4:00 PM
I just received a call from an anonymous source claiming to have information about the stolen painting.
After I understood what the lady was talking about, I became sure it was just one of Jenkins’ friends trying to get back at me for the flour incident, but I’m going to play along.
I told her to meet me at the coffee shop down the street, where I’ll be sipping on a latte and pretending to take notes.
5:00 PM
As I was leaving the office, I saw the pigeon from the coffee shop the other day.
I’m convinced it’s involved in the pen theft case, and I’m determined to catch it in the act. I tried to sneak up on it, but it flew away, leaving behind a trail of feathers and what looked suspiciously like a tiny notebook with a cryptic message: “The pens will rise again.”
I’m onto something, I can feel it. And I’m still sad that I saw a squirrel and a pigeon, but no raccoons.
Thought of the day: I’m 80% sure I’ll solve the coffee heist, 15% sure I’ll accidentally drink all the evidence, 10% sure I’ll remember to do something about the stolen painting, and 5% sure I’m good at math.
Hey there!
I’m Simon, a business owner who’s totally passionate about writing (and one day, I hope to marry the two!).
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